ALL THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS DON’T EQUAL THIS ONE THAI GIRL

What could be better? What can match the desire for a private, exotic massage in the comfort of my own Pattaya hotel room? What surpasses the rubdown in my secure, air-conditioned space where all my personal belongings are available-within stretching distance?

Not much!

However, there is an issue, a small issue regarding a massage in my hotel room I’ve thought about time and again. That is, what do my oiled and soiled sheets say about my nighttime activities? Do the hotel maids at the Marriot Hotel gossip about what they might find the next morning? Is management advised of my lazy love for massages in my room?

The answer: Nobody, not a single, solitary person gives a hoot what I do in my hotel room.

Joy, my personal favorite massage girl from My Girl Massage actually prefers to visit me rather than me coming to her shop. When I call and request her service she gathers her prepared basket of oils and powders, hops on her motorbike and knocks on my door within minutes of my calling.

“Joy,” I asked, “why do you like outcall massages so much. Isn’t it troublesome, maybe a little more difficult for you.” Joy, gave me the perfect answer, “You more relax in hotel, I make you a happy man easy.”

It’s quite true, with a lovely massage girl in my room, I am more at ease. I laugh easier, joke more and generally feel more in charge of my one-hour destiny. Joy understood how to get me to focus on her and the pleasures she brought…even if all the Kardashian sisters were in the same room.

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CAN THOUSANDS OF PATTAYA MEN BE WRONG?

There are as many different massage shops in Pattaya as there are different types of rice and chili peppers in Thailand. Even though the businesses are the same, and the services offered are similar, it’s difficult to find two massage parlors alike. Yet, some patterns are accepted and offered by all massage shops regardless of the parlor’s style.

Johnny L. from Alberta, Canada reports of his confusion with the massage towel that is handed to him when his masseuse leaves the room while he gets undressed and ready for his massage.

What exactly does he do with the towel? Johnnie says, “If I put the massage towel, which usually is about the size of a small hand towel, to the side, with my package exposed, does it mean that I am expecting some sexual favors?  If I cover myself with the towel does it infer that I am somewhat shy and prefer that she stay away from my covered area? More experienced men like Charlie Sheen would have no trouble understanding the towel issue.

Johnny L. asks, “Does the hand towel have any significance at all?” I took it upon myself to visit Lucifer, Walking Street’s, popular late nite dance club. For sure, the answer is among the thousands of party hearty folk who know the ins and outs of Pattaya like the back of their hand.

The consensus is that the towel is really insignificant. It has no meaning whatsoever. There’s a thousand and one ways for you to make your desires known and hundreds of methods by which your Thai lady will offer the extent of her services. The best suggestion,”Speak Up” or “Let your hands do the walking.”

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HIS BLACK & BLUE MARKS INDICATE HE HAD A GREAT TIME

What she’s referring too, of course, is pressure; the amount of hand pressure you prefer her to use during the massage. Some, enjoy, the soft, gentle, glide of a woman’s hand to soothe and comfort their body while others insist on massive pressure to unlock their tired muscles. Surely, there is every imaginable point of pressure in-between.

Steve F., a young Irish lad from Dublin, Ireland on his first trip to Pattaya, was dumbstruck when his Thai lady asked him the “hard of soft” question. Steve, who, within minutes, of feeling the touch of his Thai girl’s touch on his shoulders was already sensing his preference for something hard and screamed “Hard, like hard.”

Obviously, our Irish laddie had one thing in mind and his Thai masseuse interpreted his demand for a kick-ass, rough and tumble, smack down, leaving Steve thoroughly exhausted and feeling beat into an Irish pancake.

Believing that this rub and scrub was the introduction to the Thai massage he always heard and dreamed about, Steve allowed his beat down to continue the entire hour. Not only was Steve pummeled but his Thai masseuse nearly fell to the floor exhausted.

One look at Steve, as he hobbled to the cashier of the little massage shop on Soi 4, the Thai manager insisted that Steve follow her to the Pattaya International Hospital just down the street, to, at least, allow a physician to provide some medical assistance to help in the healing process. Last heard, Steve is still dropping into various Thai massage joints searching for the ideal in-between of hard vs. soft.

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PATTAYA BLISS & THE BODY BEAUTIFUL

It’s been said that beautiful bodies and Pattaya are one in the same…including the much-heralded transvestites, the he-she bodies of a born male surgically transposed into a female. Wary male visitors have said that when seeing a gorgeous girl, first beware that she may be a he, unless, of course, it’s the boy-girl you’re looking for.

Transvestite beauty contestants are publicized throughout the world. Email boxes are filled with “Who’s the female in this group of photos?” to discover that every one of the beautiful women are, in fact, men.”

Mint, a beautiful,  look-alike for Kim Kardashian, is so unbelievably good looking that she is sometimes labeled a transvestite. At age eighteen, Mint worked the Windmill Go Go, a small but extremely crowded venue on Soi Diamond packed with traveling tourists and beautiful go go dancers. Standing out in the midst of fabulous girls was Mint. So attractive was she, that men reserved her in advance of entering the club. “Please Mint, I come see you tonight ten o’clock.” was an everyday affair with her.

Mint’s objective was to earn as much as possible in a few years of naked dancing, hustling drinks and bar-fine activity. A good enough goal for any young Thai girl. Yet, Mint’s customers were overwhelming. Mint experienced more and more customers demanding her attention-so many, that the Windmill Go Go cashier had to serve as her social secretary helping Mint book her customers without any confusion.

In spite of the money piling up into Mint’s bank account, this lovely Thai girl called it quits. “Too many men,” she said, “by body hurts.”

That’s when she joined My Girl Massage, where she services only the finest and theenthusiastic men of her choice. Mint’s daily earnings took a little hit but she is  satisfied with her objective, “make money, give to mama, and make men happy, too.”

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LUXURIOUS PATTAYA MASSAGES COST VIRTUALLY NOTHING

Here’s a promise that most tourists and few insiders know about Pattaya massages. The best costs less than those cheap, bargain basement massages offered in dingy, noisy settings.

Easy enough to say since I’ve experienced more than a 1,000 massages from massage shops up and down the coastline of Pattaya from Jomtien to Naklua and scores of stops in-between including the Outlet Mall in Pattaya or the Tuk.com. building.

It wasn’t until I visited My Girl Massage, a hidden away, private setting located to the rear of the Big C Extra on Pattaya Klang that I understood why this marvelous massage shop is always so busy. Yet, for me, is a quiet, retreat from the hustle-bustle of the Pattaya environment.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Pattaya and the active social scene. I’m an enthusiastic supporter of the fun and frivolity that brings us to this lovely seaside city. But…when it comes to massages, I have some specific requirements that only My Girl Massage offers.

First off, not only do I get to select my massage girl but also the receptionist personally escorts a dozen or more of the young, lovely and talented girls to my seat and encourages me to relax and pick my favorite. There’s no rush to judgment here. For me, the difficult part is selecting the one or two from the bevy of beautiful ladies. I prefer a young compliant girl rather than some rebellious female like Lindsay Lohan.

Secondly, I am offered a full menu of massages, from the regular one hour massage offered everywhere to the exotic Jacuzzi, hot stone, or aromatic oil massages. I can pop in for a quickie or take my time with a two-hour VIP massage in the Royal Suite.

No matter which massage I prefer on any specific day or night, I’m guaranteed a private, closed room with a professional massage bed (no skinny mattress sitting on the floor) and my own hot, private shower with clean, fluffy, luxurious tiles. They even thought enough to install the non-slip tiles on the shower floor.

Now, once settled on the massage bed, my pick of the litter, my special massage girl warms my naked body with lovely hands, whispers her secret tones in my ear and absolutely makes certain that I get everything I came for.

All this for the very same price as those dusty, dirty massage places screaming at you to come inside their lair. Amazing! That’s why I can tell you that My Girl Massage costs nothing…nothing more than you’d pay any place else in Pattaya.

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